More time or another me!

I decided that I either need more time or another me around.  It seems like there is so much to do right now as we are trying to sell our house, FSBO style, and with the holiday season upon us.  I barely got into the Halloween spirit and missed being more excited about it.  I really love Thanksgiving (even thought it seems like now all people can talk about it Christmas) and hope that I can get the spirit of it before the day before.

I know I can't have more time or another me...well I could have more awake time, if I sacrificed sleep, but a grumpy mom on top of a already frazzled one, just might not be worth it!!

Anyway, I know I can't have time or a double, but if I could I think that I would pick another me over more time.  With another me I could put one to work getting the things done and feeling "productive" and then I could spend MORE time sitting with my kids, reading to them, making cookies with them (aka a small mess), doing thoughtful things for their dad, or going on walks, enjoying the last few days of warm before the cold and even then, maybe I would be more willing to get all bundled up and go outside knowing that all the extra layers and laundry would be manageable with another me to help. Another me to be a cute, thoughtful mom and WIFE would be AmaZing.  

Well I just had to clear my mind and type out this thought so that I can realize what it truly important and have some renewed energy to keep going, since as my mom always says, "this too, shall pass."  

The things I want my kids to remember is that they are loved and that I love spending time with them...not that a clean house was more important.  Now back to cleaning, or maybe I'll read a book with my kids first!!

Reflecting Thoughts

I don't know what has been the cause of my reflective thoughts lately, being another year older, having another child, having a child start school.  Maybe it is a combination of all.  Either way it seems like I spend a bit more time thinking about who I am and more so, who I was in school.  I think I was (and probably still are) a bit naive as to what is going on around me.  I think of the people who have come and gone in my immediate circle of daily life.  Some I know a little bit of what they are doing now, some I have no clue and some I wonder what they are up to.

I think some of my reflection is school, and the pressure to fit in, or the idea that "those are the most important things" when now they are such small importance's (i.e., friends, dances, being popular, etc) I was the witness of some teen girls "cattiness" and after about 25 minutes of it I finally opened my mouth to hopefully help one young girl see that her actions were not nice.  Who know what came of it...probably that I was some withcy woman sticking her nose in another's business.  But when you are right in line behind them for that long of time, it is hard to not want to do something.  But in the 24.5 minutes I stood there just listening I was thinking how SCARY it will be to have a kid that age and the social pressure they will have to deal with.

Maybe if I felt my memory was better I could remember what it was like for me.  But I don't, sadly to say.  I don't remember the "cattiness'' that people say girls are.  I don't remember the desire to be cool or fit in. Maybe I wasn't or didn't, or maybe I was taught that it didn't matter.  I worry that I won't be able to help my kids the way I was helped/taught.  I wonder if I will be the kind of parent they can turn to.  Sometimes I worry I won't because I don't think I was the friend that was even the one someone turned to for help.  Sad to day but I have been wondering if any of my "friends" from years previous were positively impacted by me, or if they wish they stayed in better touch like I do.  And maybe that will have no reflection of how my parenting will be.

My mind is all over the place here, but I guess to anyone who ever reads this, maybe it will help them see that they are not alone in reflective thinking.  Maybe.  Maybe Not.  Most of these are just thoughts, not questions.

Bottom line I guess that I take comfort in when I am reflectively thinking is that I am (we are) a child of God.  He loves us, He is there for us.  If we strive to do those things that keep Him in our life, we will be happy in the end, we will be BLESSED beyond contemplation.  He knows us, He LOVES us.  He will guide and help us, and He will send people into our lives that will also do the same.

I probably should just archive this in my computer somewhere and not post it because I a not an eloquent writer but even if I keep it to myself until I think clearer or write better, I will have forgotten and no one will see that there are other people out there with the same reflective wonderments.  I guess it's my attempt to get thoughts out there (I would say on paper, but this isn't paper and I am not sure what the new term would be) and help myself and anyone else.

What kids will say

I should write down things that my 4 year old will say because there are some funny things.  Unfortunately I don't write them down and then I can't remember any but one.
He was sitting on the floor playing the other day and randomly asked
"Mom, when are you going to have your other 3 babies?"
My first response (after a chuckle inside) was "Are you ready to have more siblings to share your toys?"
His surprising answer was "yes."  Surprising because he was actually in trouble for not playing nice with his little brother.
The other interesting thing from his original question was the number 3.  I don't think we have ever said we were going to have 3 more kids.
Maybe he knows something I don't?  Either way it was kind of a funny and cute conversation.

Mental Vacation

I am having a really hard time getting back to everyday life after my 3 week vacation. 

I spent 3 weeks out of town, hitting 13 different states (if only on the road traveling through!) putting LOTS of miles on my car and creating lots of memories. 

I was with my kids, my parents, and their dog. Well...for 5 days I was with my husband but then met up with my parents and my husband returned home. Then we were with some other family for another one of those weeks.

It was nice to not have to worry about my "home" responsibilities.  So nice that I am having a hard time getting back in the swing of things.

I have heard of needing a vacation after a vacation, but I need an overhaul! 

Maybe tomorrow, since it is my normal lazy and relaxing day, will have to be a mental adjustment that will get me back on track.

Can't get enough

Lately I can't get enough of photography related learning and practice. It is like a virus that I can't shake. Not that it is bad to learn how to be a better photographer, but when I sit down to look at something photography related (like a tutorial or a photography website), I am finding myself looking for way longer then I my allotted time..."Oh it's dinner time already!"

This past weekend we had a family get together and I was able to pretty much have my camera attached to my hand...it was great! Since being home I feel like I am having withdrawals from taking pictures. My kids are getting tired of the camera and I am lacking other subjects. I guess I will just have to be patient for the clients and strict with my allotted photography browsing time!

Maybe turning some of my old pictures into "Styrofoam canvas prints" or DIY "canvas prints" will help take my mind off taking new pictures!?!

Motivation

Lately my motivation for certain things has been minimal.  I seem to get them done, but kind of last minute.  At the end of the day I am finding myself wondering how or why I didn't get more accomplished.  I know that some days it is because I spent time doing things with my kids (which can never be wrong) like taking them to the park, playing outside, etc., but other times I feel like I spent it reading/browsing things relating to my hobby.  Maybe this is the hard part with 3, learning to balance things. Or maybe it is because I had 2 months where there were big projects that I had to do and getting them done made me feel accomplished, so now I'm back to the everyday things and so even when I get them done, it's just not anything special.
I guess it is time to try find new motivation for the same old things!  Especially because I know that as my kids get older there will be many more outside activities that they will be involved in and that means even less time spent at home.

It's 6 pm and I am done for the day.  Unfortunately my kids would major protest going to bed right now.  So here I am eating chocolate whoppers and blogging! Of course I am making sure that they are not destroying the house or harming each other, but outside of that, I stopped caring where they drag the blankets and toys and what they are doing with them.  There will be a big mess to clean up; dishes, books and toys in the kitchen...bedroom.s...living room...bathroom...(sigh!)
This is the most overwhelmed I have felt since my baby was born.  My husband has been on call/working this weekend so since 6 am Friday morning he has been home and awake for 9 hours.  Not that I am complaining (because once this moment passes I will be back to normal) but that it is part of why today was hard (that and the thought keeps coming into my mind that my sister would have been here to help with my husbands long work weekend had my husband not been nice to his coworker and switched last weekend for this one!) 
I think I handled Friday's 24 hour shift much better because I had an out with the TV.  My husband and I have tried not to let TV be turned on on Sundays, but today was a battle within myself to not use it for a break from my kids.  It is one of those love/hate relationships.  I love that the TV can give me a break but I hate that it is a time waster and also my son would never turn it off if he had the choice.  In fact he has made his own TV out of a scrap piece of wood and was pretending to watch it earlier when I declined another request to turn on the TV.
It hasn't helped that my younger son is sick and instead of going to nursery at church I kept him with me.  He did pretty good in the adult classes, but it is hard to keep him from being active, making noise, and distracting other people.  Thankfully most of the adults are helpful and hopefully understanding as they have ''been there before!'' 
Oh! there seems to be even more that I could blame for my lack of ability to keep sane today, but the reality is that ''this too shall pass'' and "that which does not kill us makes us stronger!"  I'm sure this is partly why everyone seems to say that 3 is the hardest.
Well there goes my baby crying, the swing is no longer making her happy.  So here's to motherhood!  The BEST but most challenging job :)

Home

Well we are home.  My brand new baby girl is officially part of our home.  I am glad that she is here and is healthy.  Coming home helps me realize how much easier it was to take care of her before...but it wasn't as fun!    She is a typical newborn, eat, sleeps, poops...cuddles with me during nap time. 
I will admit that I was not near as anxious to come home as my husband was.  Not that I didn't want to be home but because I new I would have to return to being a mom of multiple kids and many "duties."  The responsibility of taking care of things in my home, rather then just being taken care of and having little to no responsibility can be enjoyable.  Not that I would want it very long or very often, but I was enjoying it.  I guess being waited on now and then is just fine.  Being home just makes me feel like I should be taking care of my typical responsibilities.
Thankfully my mom has taken over some (probably most!) of my responsibility around the house.  It is very nice to have her here and also to have my dad here because the boys love playing with him and it gives me a break.  The real life of being a mom of three will begin when my husband goes back to work and my parents leave.  Luckily I have a few days before then.
So until then I will just enjoy the next few days and keep telling myself it is okay to let people do things for me :)

Time: fast vs slow

Normally time seems to go fast. i.e."wow the summer sure went fast,"  "I can't believe my baby is already in school" etc.  In the scheme of the big picture this pregnancy has gone by relatively fast...until yesterday.  The day seemed normal until the evening when it just seemed that time was slowed way down.  I had gotten the kids to bed before my husband got home from church meetings and my mom and I were just sitting at the table when he got home and sat with us.  The thought came to me (as I had felt for the last few hours that there was more that I should be doing since time was going so slow) that this was the calm before the storm.

Now it is the wee hours of the morning and again I find time going a bit slow.  I'm sure that it will speed right back up once the sun starts to shed it's light on the day.  I'm sure time seeming to slow is because of the anticipation of the day...Today is the day baby 3 will join the family.  She was due yesterday and given the past 2 children's disposition to stay inside for several extra days, we were not thinking she would come much earlier and got approval from the doctor to induce today.  Tuesday he said that my body was showing readiness but that the baby was not looking as interested (meaning she is still high in my belly).  I guess my kids just like being all tucked up inside until they have to come out!

I can honestly say that I am gong through a range of emotions for this day: 
*I am excited-ready to meet this little girl, see what she looks like
*I am nervous-everyone says three is the hardest; still not so sure I can handle a girl
*I am anxious-there comes a point that you are just ready for something to be over with.  I have loved being pregnant and have felt toward the end of this pregnancy that not going into labor has been okay since it is much easier to handle her without actually needing an extra hand...but there comes a point when even that though can't stop the anxiety from hitting.
*I am scared-labor is not really that fun and I know that I will be sore and I don't really like having pain...truth be told, I kind of am a pansy.  I know that it won't last long but still the idea it will be there for several days is just enough to scare me.
*I am happy-Life is good, really it is despite all the bad in the world.  This may seem crazy to say I'm happy then mention the bad in the world, but thanks to my Savior and a knowledge of his Eternal plan, I am happy!
*I am grateful-to be able to have another child...to have a husband I love, to have two wonderful (and very trying of my patience) children...to have my parents here to help and also the whole family support that I have felt and know is there among my siblings and in-laws and friends...I think this list could go on and on, I am TRULY blessed and VERY grateful for those blessing!

Due Dates

Several months ago when it came time to start telling people we were expecting our third we also found out that two of my good friends were also expecting.  It was also both of their thirds and we were all due within 2 weeks of each other.  I was first, then one friend was due one day after me and the other friend was due 2 weeks after that.  Well...it is almost my due date and I am the only one still pregnant!  We received a text from the friend due 2 weeks after me that they had their baby boy yesterday.  They got the 10-2-11 baby that I was wanting (I thought the birthday of 'ten to eleven' would be cool).  My other friend delivered on the 25th of September...she had a girl.  So this is the 3rd time that someone I knew pregnant and due after me has delivered before me.  I am not really complaining because in a way life is a bit less chaotic right now, but it would be nice to have all the waiting and wondering 'when' over with!  But as I am learning/have learned you can never predict these pregnancy things especially when statistically only one percent of babies are born on their due date.  Not even the medical field has good odds of telling you when your baby will come!!
So if you want to deliver early I guess you should get pregnant when I do ;)

What a difference a day makes

Mentally what can a day give you?  I have thought about this the past few days...probably because I had mentally planned and prepared for something just to have the date pushed back by a few days.  I thought Friday would be my last OB appointment before this little one joins our family on the outside, but due to living in a small town, scheduling rules and a few other things, I will have one more OB appointment and a few extra days of being pregnant.  It is okay in a way because it is easier to manage things right now, I don't have lifting or activity restrictions (not really but I of course can't do what I could if I was not pregnant) and I get more sleep then I will with a newborn.  So, in a way I have to look at the situation as a blessing even though in my head I was prepared for something else.  Now I could go into labor on my own and avoid one more OB checkup and a few extra days of being pregnant, but given my other pregnancies, I (and my husband) quite doubt it. 
I think part of the mental aspect is that I had worked it out in my head to maximize time...time that my parents are here, time that my husband would have off work, time to get stuff done, etc.  Now I have less time with some things a more time with others.  My 'to do' list just grew exponentially.  I thought I was being on top of things like cleaning and laundry that were done, but I know they will have to be done one more time (not that they are ever truly done but for the maximal amount of time until they need to be done again).  I guess it is good because it will keep me busy and make the days go by a bit faster.  I should just remind myself that a few days is nothing when you look at the whole picture of it has taken almost 40 weeks to get to this point!
So the lesson learned (which I seem to repeat learning very often in my life...I guess I just don't learn some things very well!) is that even if you mentally plan/prepare yourself for something, it can change very easy and so you have to be mentally prepared for that too!

Being Christ-like

I try to be Christ-like and I try to serve others.  But today I find myself needing a change of heart to be more Christ-like.

I wonder how Christ felt about helping people who don't help themselves.  The advantage He had which I don't is that he knew what was in people's hearts.  (But he loved them anyway even if it wasn't right...that is amazing)

Despite my desire to have my husband home doing things on our own home and helping me out, I would never stop him from going and helping another family.  I know they need his help more.  I just was thinking as I was moping how hard it must have been to be Christ and to never get a break and then to suffer for us all.  We are truly blessed to have such a Savior and Brother who loves us that much.

Quality Father Time

This week has been hard on my patience since every night after work my husband has had something going on that has taken him back out of the house in the evening. 
Whether it was back to work for something, a church meeting, or another meeting, he has been able to come home to eat dinner but then has had to leave fairly soon after.  A few nights have been quick meetings but one lasted until after the boys were in bed.
I know that after dinner is usually when I get some time to myself because the kids are playing with dad, even if it only lasts 15 minutes before one of them are back trying to see/help me with what I am doing. 
I try and be supportive but I did finally make a comment last night about him being gone for another night.

I guess that is why the average quality time a father spends with his children is only 30 seconds a day!  This is a true statistic that my husband heard/read about while at work.  To me that is sad.  I can see how it is so little because many fathers don't see their kids everyday, but considering how many fathers now stay at home I would think/hope it would be more.  I am VERY glad that my husband spends much more then that with his kids.  I can tell that not only do I need the 'longer then 30 seconds' father time, but the boys do too.  There is something he can give them that I can't.

My oldest has kind of grown out of it, but my middle child is right at the age that when dad comes home, he stops what he is doing to run over and greet dad, repeating daddy the whole way there.  It is very cute and I don't know any dad that wouldn't love such a warm greeting.

Thankfully it is Friday and we have plans for tonight that will not take my husband away!  We need our quality father time in this house!!

8 Weeks

I have somewhere around eight weeks left until my baby comes.  There are times when I am ready to have my normal energy and comfortable insides back!  This one is a mover!!  But then I think about having to balance one more person and I tell myself I can wait.  I have always felt they are much easier to take care of on the inside.
I am also not ready to start the few interrupted hours of sleep a night...guess it's is a good thing I have 8 weeks left.  It is funny (in the interesting way) that somehow we do such crazy things (sleep deprive, labor/delivery, intentionally allow something to grow inside us that beats us up, etc) and then repeat them.  Interesting that somehow we manage to get through the tough times and then forget about them (for the most part).  I know that much of the hard parts will be done with prayer and holding to the fact "this too shall pass"...until the next time! 
I am excited to see what this one will look like, what color of hair, will she look like either of the other kids.  They both look like their dad despite the different hair color.  Maybe this one will look like me?  Who knows really!?!
I know that I am in for a whole new learning process, which I will admit sometimes scares me...greatly!  Not only with a new gender, but a whole new season of starting life (ie fall vs spring).  I want to remain laid back and not stress, but I wonder will I.  With this one coming at the start of the RSV and the flu season, rather then the end like the others, it already has me wondering how I can still go out and be active but protect her.  I really enjoyed taking walks with my newborns, having them cuddled close to me, being able to breathe fresh air.  But when it is getting warm rather then getting cold you can do that.  So what will be my break from the house?  All these things that go through my head.  Some trivial, and some genuine things to stop and actually ponder.
I guess in due time I will learn the answers to many of my wondering!

A girl

I found out the gender of my baby to come and, drum roll... a girl!  There is excitement and fright all wrapped into one.  I can't tell what my husband thinks or even if he has strong feelings either way.  The US tech was teasing him that there really "wasn't more" and it was very strongly convincing that it is a girl.
After boys it will be nice to have a change of pace, but am I ready for the "change of pace" a girl will bring? 
I just see how girls are so much more emotional and dramatic.  I am much more of a hit something, be mad for a bit, then done with it person.  Not a cry for attention and affection, "hold me for 10 minutes longer then the pain lasted" kind of person.
I probably was that type of child, but I don't remember and since I don't I choose to think that I wasn't :)

Then there is the pink.  Not that pink is bad, but a pink shirt, with pink pants, with pink shoes, with pink hair bows...that it way to much pink.  And I see this all pink outfit often.  I know that I will have some say for the first two years of life, but is that still enough time to come with seeing all pink outfits...and multiple days in a row!?!
  Let's admit it I get tired when my boys just want the same color or style outfit day after day.  With my oldest it is red.  I think he would wear 100% red if I had that many red clothes in his drawer (this is where I remind myself that he is getting himself dressed and not me!) Oh well, let them be little, right!

However, I am excited to think that the relationship I have with my mother can continue with my own daughter.  The things that she will want to learn and know that a boy just doesn't care for. 

There are lots of things to look forward to, but there are things that I know I will just have to tell myself  "it's okay, this too shall pass!"

3 Weeks

A lot can happen in three weeks and a lot can only be started in 3 weeks.  When you are looking at a 40 week project (and in my case 41 typically) what is a mere 3 weeks?  But I think they are going to be some of the hardest three weeks.  The reason being...that is how long I have to wait to find out the gender of my baby.  For some reason I am more obsessed with what the gender will be with this baby. 
Maybe it is because this is the start to the garage sales and I would like to know what areas in my child's wardrobe need to be filled.  Or maybe it is the excitement of the idea I get to do some shopping!  Who knows this baby might be a shopper (aka girl), I do have the shopper bug lately!

A third!?!

So this is a blog of emotion...written back when I first found out I was pregnant with baby number three. 

When the test said 'positive' I went through a whirlwind of emotion within 24 hours.  There was initial excitement, followed by shock and disbelief, then the thought of one more kid running around worried me...could I handle another?  I have heard that three is the hardest. 

Going from one to two was not a problem, or better put, not a major transition.  I still felt like I could manage the things that I needed to and felt balanced without feeling crazy.  Yes, there were/are hard days but I still feel like I was on top of most things.

Eventually I found myself back to level emotion, not swaying to far on the emotion scale and balancing in the middle where everything is right there but nothing blown out of proportion.

Since that moment, thoughts and the wonderments continue to flow, especially at the times I seem to be trying to fall asleep at night!  Can I handle three?  What will get neglected; the house, the laundry, the workout regimin...something has to give...doesn't it?  Will it be another highly active child or one a little more mellow?  A boy? A girl? Who knows. 

I know that nothing can prepare me for the third more then having the third here.  The months of gestation will help.  Advice and helpful tips will also play a role.

I am excited because I knew with my second that it was not the last baby to join our family, that impression came the first night in the hospital only hours after delivering baby number two.  I know that I am in for challenging moments and a large learning curve.  But how lucky our family will be to have another member, and how lucky I am to be a mother to another special spirit.  I will continue to find the greatest work I can do in my home will begin and end with me on my knees!