Lately being a mom has brought me laughter and frustration.  Maybe it is because I expect my oldest to be the "oldest", the big brother, the more responsible one, the good example.  This is a tough task since he is not even 4 yet.  Maybe it's because my 2nd son is a little "Dennis the Menace," tearing books apart, throwing anything and everything, hitting, laughing and covering his eyes when I am trying to be mad and discipline him.
 I realized today (light bulb moment) that my desires to have a clean house, an organized room, well mannered children all of the time...on and on...doesn't work.  But I don't really know what does!  With that said, I know that anyone would probably tell me it is a part of parenting.  Constantly learning and adjusting and repenting and trying over and over only to have the next child be even more testing in ways that the others weren't. 
I gain more and more love and respect for my parents, for the things that they experienced raising me and my siblings.  For the fact that we all turned out without major deviations (at least not ones that I know of.)  This respect and love goes too for my in-laws. 
I LOVE my kids.  I love the innocent moments when, wanting to know what character is on their underwear they pull their pants down in a very public place to show me (even though I know already since I pulled them out of the dresser just hours before).  I love watching them grow and learn and gain knowledge...I just struggle with that aspect too, since it takes patience, experimenting, patience and repetition among other things.
I have tried to let the exploring/learning happen, but it seems that there is a point where it becomes to much.  Like emptying half of the soap in the sink because the way it sprays out is so cool.  I don't want my kids to feel like they live in a museum, but I also don't want to be cleaning up spills, continuously repairing book after book, or replacing broken things (just to name a few). 
I just keep wondering "at what age?" At what age...can they start doing more chores...do they understand each choice has a consequence...
Many nights I lay in bed thinking how I failed or what I learned or what I achieved in the day.
Wondering if my kids will turn out to be good kids, respectful, honorable, hard working...knowing that with each day the result may feel "failed" but that it is the lump sum of many days that will mold and shape their lives.
I pray in the end they:
1-know that I love them
2-know that the Lord loves them
3-love the Lord back

I need to be better at writing/recording some of the funny things my kids do, growing moments, and milestones (as they call them in the doctors office).  I write not for answers but that someday my kids will see what I went through and know I wasn't a perfect parent (since there is no such thing in my opinion.)  To see that parenting is challenging yet rewarding.  That I loved them through it all.